Passing in our own way

Reading about Ellen, Matthew Shepard, and women at Abu Ghraib was more than an intellectual exercise for me in the politics of “passing” and the concept of visibility and invisibility.  This collection of articles caused an emotional reaction as I reflected on the different areas in my life in which I “hide” or try to “pass.” 

In Bonnie Dow’s article on Ellen, she includes a discussion on Ellen Morgan’s relationship with her mom.  When her mom mentions that she misses the “old Ellen,” the response is, “Which Ellen is that?  The Ellen that used to keep her feelings bottled up?  The Ellen that used to lie to herself and everybody else?  The Ellen that could have spent the rest of her life alone?” (p. 126).  I was surprised at the emotional response I had, as it paralleled an experience I have had with my own mother about my own mental illness. 

However, reading Ott and Aoki’s analysis of the media framing of the Matthew Shepard murder caused me to think of my religious affiliation, my thoughts and my feelings about the way the media frames our members.  This is something close to my heart, and the media framing of my church is something fresh in my mind as I am doing my final project on a related topic.

Early in our church’s history, members had moved to Missouri.  Fear and misunderstanding resulted in an extermination order being issued by Missouri Governor Boggs essentially legalizing the murder of members of my church.  The “cultish” stigma and misunderstanding is something still faced today.

When I first moved to Indiana, I was nervous about how I would be accepted because of my religious affiliation.  I knew that because of stereotypes perpetuated through the media, the blogosphere, and simple word of mouth, I would need to be vigilant in recognizing and combating the stereotypes.  Because of this, I was so careful about the language that I used in talking about my background.  My background soon became evident, however as many of my life choices reflect my religious affiliation.  I remember the first time a classmate “found me out.” 

I was completely terrified of how I was going to be viewed now by my peers.  I related with much of the anxiety described by Dow in the Ellen piece.  However, unlike the controversy that Ellen faced, I was not met with the resistance I had been anxious about.  I was met with acceptance.  This acceptance surprised me at first, as I had been so anxious about this.  However, I also experienced the relief also described.  I was no longer “pretending.”  I could just be myself and not have to worry as much what I said or how that would affect others’ perceptions of me. 

In conclusion, even though our readings focused on issues of visibility as it relates to gender and sexuality, there are other areas not yet explored—two of which being mental illness and religion.  These seem to parallel many of the same feelings and emotions described by Dow, Ott and Aoki, and Gronnvoll, are relatable to the human population as we try to “pass” in other, less visible areas of life.